Where I'm Going I No Longer Know
by Indra
Summary: Vignette - Xanatos' thoughts and feelings before he turned.


Disclaimer: Qui-Gon belongs to George Lucas, Xanatos to Jude Watson. The title belongs to TVSmith.  
  
Notes: Thanks to Shaindl for the beta! This is just a small piece that came to my mind. The title is from the song 'Soon as I found it I lost it' by TVSmith. It's on his new album 'Not a bad day'. If you ever want to listen to really good lyrics, listen to his songs. Feedback is always very welcome!  
  
For those following 'Scars and Beginnings': This has nothing to do with it. The things I wrote in this story, do not necessarily apply to the Xanatos from 'Scars'.  
  
One last warning: This is not a happy story. Don't read it, if you're already depressed.  
  
My name is Xanatos Crion. I am 21 years old. I am Jedi-Padawan to Qui-Gon Jinn. I have been afraid all my life.  
  
'Talking helps.' That's what one of my teachers once said. Not in reference to my problems of course. Heaven forbid I would say something about that to him. To anyone. Up to that point anyway. I tried to take his advice. I talked to people. People I trusted. Not to my Master. Not that I didn't trust him. But I knew what he thought of fear. I talked to friends. Not even my close friends. More acquaintances. I told them that I was afraid. They told me that they had fears, too. Of death, of losing someone they love, of never becoming a Jedi Knight. They had no idea what they were talking about. I didn't have fears. I was afraid. Not of death, not of my future. I was simply afraid.  
  
People say that you can only look a person in the eyes, never in the head. It's probably the truest thing I've ever heard. My friends never knew that something was wrong with me. Not even my Master knew it. Not because I am a good actor. But simply because I didn't want them to know. I'm quite good at shielding. Or maybe they didn't realise anything because every individual is so wrapped up in their own life that it's simply not important to them what others think. Somehow I hope that the first assumption is true.  
  
I can't describe my fear. Or maybe I don't want to because I know that no one will be able to imagine it anyway. In order to experience fear, a certain trigger is necessary. For my fear, it is not. Sometimes when I'm completely fine and content with the world around me, it suddenly comes crashing down on me. Without trigger. Without warning. I drown in it. The world goes dark around me and although I know that nothing has changed within the last seconds, for me everything has changed. Suddenly I'm not me anymore. Suddenly I'm gone. And the world around me goes on as before. It can happen when I'm alone in my room or it can happen when I'm having dinner with my Master. But he won't notice any change. Because I do not stagger. I do not go quiet. I do not change. I can have a normal conversation, can even laugh, while everything within me is consumed by fire.  
  
I told you that I can't describe my fear. But I did. Because I know that I have to tell someone. I need it. Because I still know that there is something else than waking up in the morning with this fear, or knowing that it will come, unexpectedly, at some point in the day. I still know it. But I don't feel it. So I try to describe what it's like to live this way. And I know you won't understand it.  
  
One evening I told my Master. I simply broke down. Not like people in a movie break down, sobbing and everything. I just couldn't take it anymore. I didn't want to take it anymore. Qui-Gon let me talk and he looked at me as if he had known it all along. But I knew he hadn't. He told me to go to the healers. And I went, a couple of months later. Not to the soul healers, but to a normal one. Maybe there was some other explanation than that I was going crazy. The healer said that he couldn't do anything. That I should go see a soul healer. I intended to go the next day after classes. I didn't. I never did. That was two years ago. There are days when I feel great. When I think that all of my suffering in this life is worth this one day of complete happiness. That even if I have to go back into my tunnel, I will still have the memory of this day and the hope for others like it to keep me going. And then I am thrown back into the tunnel. And the memory is gone. And the future is dark.  
  
I told you that I have been afraid all my life. Maybe that is not true. Maybe there once was a time when I didn't know this fear. No, I know that there was such a time. I know it. But I can't remember it.  
  
I can't concentrate. My thoughts are a jumbled mess. I can't think of only one thing at a time. I used to believe in the Force. And somehow I still do. But I don't ask it for help. And I don't understand why not. I don't understand myself. Whoever that is.  
  
Today is a good day. I'm not happy. But I'm not afraid. Is it worth it? I don't know. Will I ever know? I probably won't. Will I go on? Of course I will. But is going on really what this life is about? 


End file.
